Not much new to report with Mom. We’ve let her lousy prognosis sink in a bit. She’s revisited the idea of seeing some of the cancer docs at UPMC again, but as her oncologist told us at her last appointment, if the UPMC docs can’t help Mom, there’s not much else to be done. On the other hand, though, they haven’t seen her since we learned that her lung cancer has spread and is now stage 4.
Mom and I did tour the assisted living area of her campus, where she decided solidly against it. Too expensive.
When we called my sister afterward to brief her, she and I gave Mom a good talking-to, saying that even though we could try to approximate that level of care by hiring hourly, “a la carte” care, it wouldn’t bring us, her daughters, the same peace of mind that assisted living would. In assisted living, they physically check on her every two hours. At her apartment, my sister and I have to check on her by phone.
For Pete’s sake, the first night in her apartment, she ended up on the floor, where she stayed for the night until we stopped by after church the next morning to check on her.
I tried to communicate to Mom that her not having enough care for her has taken a toll on me (hello, 25 pounds gained in 10 months!), but I’m not sure if she got it. I’ve made an effort over the last three years not to let her see how put out I am, because I didn’t want her to feel guilty (it’s not entirely HER fault she’s so sick), but my tactics may have backfired. I don’t know if Mom sees what dealing with her illnesses has done to ME.
Note to self: I don’t ever want to lay the kind of stress and guilt on my kids that my mom has laid on me.
Last week was a quiet week, the first since…January? The first two days I devoted to walking the dog and catching up on housework. Wednesday I got my workout in and took Mom to lunch. Thursday I walked again, and felt strong enough to tackle our den to get it habitable (I’m writing this in the den today!). By Friday, we were utterly out of groceries, so I shopped at 8:30 am, and by the time I got home and put everything away, I was wiped out and a puddle. (Missed my walk that day: coincidence? I think not.)
Yesterday, Saturday, I missed my walk again, and ended up having a mental health meltdown which took out my whole day and left me a quivering mass of protoplasm.
Another note to self: just keep walking. Especially when you don’t feel like it. It may not make you feel great, but it will keep you from feeling so much WORSE.
Plan for this week: keep putting one foot in front of the other. Literally.