She did it again.

She didn’t answer when I called her.

Twice.

Before 9 am.

After having low blood pressure and pulse yesterday. I’m no doctor, but that doesn’t sound good to me.

I had the kids call before Big Sis got on the bus. I called again afterwards. Nothing.

I called my sister, to see if she had talked with Mom yet. No answer.

So…I could be REASONABLE and assume that Mom was fine. But we all know where THAT got me a couple of weeks ago.

So I packed up Little Sis and off we went.

The whole 7 minute drive I pored over all the possibilities: She’d died in her sleep. She’d fallen on the way to the bathroom. She’d had a heart attack or stroke. We’d find her dead. We’d find her injured. We’d find her alive and well, and laughing at us because we’d dropped everything and burst through her door.

It was the last one. She was fine. She’d “slept through” my calls.

She never does that. Grrrrr.

So I stayed. I was just getting her up and into the shower when there was a knock at the door. It was one of the nurses’ aides who helps Mom every morning. She was surprised to see me, and I explained why I was there. She scolded Mom too, and we divvyed up duties. She got Mom showered and did her laundry while I fixed breakfast.

After a nice breakfast (scrambled eggs and a lovely fresh fruit salad of mango, blueberries and strawberries), I set up her Philips Lifeline. It was very easy, although I did have to rearrange her living room a bit. We needed to set up the unit somewhere in the room where she spends the most time (living room) on a hard surface away from noisy appliances like televisions and air conditioners. I plugged the unit in, turned it on, and audio directions guided us through the set-up. Mom tested her help button from various locations in the apartment, and it worked fine. Finally, Mom pressed the help button to call into the Lifeline center to confirm that she was good to go. The attendant was very friendly, and we were done in a flash.

Three hours later, I was home again. Never made it to the grocery store. Didn’t work out. Hadn’t showered yet.

I started cleaning here so that Little Sis could have a 1:00 pm playdate. The playdate goes until 3:00 pm. Big Sis get off the bus at 3:45 pm, and we have a doctor’s appointment to go to immediately afterward.

Dinner? Who has time? Who has ingredients?

I wonder what Mom will come up with tomorrow?

RANT: Sick of it all.

I’ve had it!

I am SO sick to DEATH of having to do EVERYTHING for EVERYBODY!!!!!

AAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!

I’m tired of always being responsible. I’m wiped out. Weeks of hospital visits…running the kids to tumbling and dance lessons…stopping by my mom’s to visit…off to the library for a kids program…driving Mom to the doctor…another dance lesson…return phone calls…plan menus….

Oh, and let’s not forget that on top of all that, Supermom here is supposed to cook, clean, shop, do laundry, dishes.

Oh, and lose a little weight. Did I mention I’m a stress eater?

My house is trashed. I HATE being here. Tired of tripping over dog toys, broken Happy Meal toys, assorted laundry that never made it to the hamper because my family is apparently BRAIN DAMAGED. Tired of trying to remember which pile in which quadrant of our kitchen that phone number or schedule is located.

Did I mention that all the stuff that belongs in our (nonexistent) attic is (still) in my bedroom? Has been for over 4 years, since Little Sis was born and we had to turn “the attic room” into her nursery. I hate waking up and looking at that sh*t every day. I trip over it on my way to bed. I knock it over on my way to the bathroom every morning. It includes a large bag stuffed with gift bags that we’ve received over the past 7 years that are intended to be reused. It mostly contains “new baby” themed bags that we could NEVER POSSIBLY EVER USE UP IN OUR LIVES. We won’t ever have to give gifts to 78 babies. Did I mention that this teetering pile of crap prohibits me from even using my own dresser?

Wishing I could return some favors…all the playdates that were hastily arranged to I could see my mom in the hospital…the backyard sleepover I’ve been promising Little Sis for months (“When school’s out, honey.” “After vacation, baby doll.” “When your grandma gets out of the hospital….”). I think about planning our somewhat-annual ice cream social (I even bought invitations!), but I can’t bear the thought of adding it to my workload, even though it’s the world’s easiest party to throw.

But I don’t have enough patience for my own kids lately, let alone someone else’s too.

My book club book is gathering dust on a side table. The chaise lounge I splurged on ($30 at Sam’s Club) never made it to the deck. We never got out the grill…who has time?

Summer’s whizzing by, and I’m missing it.

On the bright side, I have (expensive) Jimmy Buffett tickets for Tuesday, but right now all I can think about is my extensive to-do list. Clear out minivan so six adults can comfortably fit. (Maybe get the car detailed? I hate doing it myself.) Make sure sitter can run Little Sis to dance class. Plan menu. Shop. Pack in coolers. Be at airport by 11:30 am to pick up my sister and her (new) boyfriend. Worry that new boyfriend won’t like me or that he’ll be disgusted when he sees what shape I keep my home in. Arrive at concert. Unpack. Cook. Feed people. Drink (heavily?). Try to remember to relax and enjoy myself. It’s Jimmy Buffett, for Pete’s sake.

I’ve had it.

Is this stupid antidepressant even WORKING? Hellooo?

I’m tired.

Extra Sandwiched

I’m feeling a little extra sandwiched today. Here’s the update: Mom’s back in the hospital. Took her in Tuesday afternoon (just a week after she came home from the hospital) at the cardiologist’s recommendation after she had complained of chest pains the night before and had vomited at lunch (in the communal dining room. Mortifying!) that day. Since then, they’ve found that the bladder infection that put her in the hospital the week I was on vacation affected her kidneys. They slowed down, not filtering her blood as efficiently. That resulted in a high potassium level and an elevated level of one of the the cardiac enzymes (which caused the nausea). Also contributing is a little dehydration. Not helping is the fact that they took her off blood thinners when her bladder was bleeding; she was due to begin them again the day after I took her in again.

So the idea is that once her kidneys recover from the “insult” from the infection and all the medications kick in (the blood thinners, potassium meds, etc.), they’ll watch her labs to make sure that all her docs (heart, kidney and GP) are happy with the numbers before they release her.

Whew!

In the meantime, life at home must go on. I’ve arranged playdates for the girls the last three days so I could get to the hospital. Yesterday, I took dinner to a friend of mine who’s recovering from breast cancer surgery. Today, friends from the Washington, D.C. area are coming in to stay overnight. So I took today “off” (from the hospital anyway) to clean the house. It’s no small feat, since it hasn’t had much attention lately due to Chiquita’s 2 hospital visits, the last weeks of school and our vacation.

I’m wiped out.

It feels like my summer hasn’t even started yet…I haven’t had the chance to get the girls on the schedule I’d envisioned (summer bridge workbook, reading and chore enforcement daily, swimming as often as possible, library once a week, visits to museums and amusement parks).

On the bright side, I did lose 3.6 lbs this week at Weight Watchers. I’ve been running so much, I haven’t had time to stop to eat!

I’m trying to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I’ve made a point to have healthier foods around, to ask for help when I need it, to take time to talk (vent) to friends (sometimes via text message and Twitter), and to exercise (taking the stairs at the hospital) and stretch (yoga stretches in the emergency room!).